Instead of sitting in front of a computer all day – I now go outside and play, I hike, explore and have adventures. I’ve been thinking about how nice it would be to go back to Maui and snorkel the coral reefs – it’s been 25 years since I’ve been there. Although currently impossible to do with my work situation and Sam and Oscar – still I think about it and it’s the first time I’ve entertained such thoughts in 25 years. These kind of thoughts are new and foreign to me. Just like buying the GPS for the truck – which I’ve played with but haven’t actually used yet – too scary.

It’s disconcerting to catch my reflection in a window or a mirror, I don’t immediately recognize myself and this causes a feeling of confusion and being ill-at-ease. I think this is the dark-side of positive change and I also think this is why many people do not sustain positive changes in their lives – it gets too uncomfortable. We want to go back to the “safe place” we know.

I’ve had two very close friends (thank you Sarah and Mary) tell me I am smart to look at this now rather than have it bite me in the ass and send me off to eat pizza and cupcakes. I think they are right. Because there is a part of me that wants to fail and return to the safety of being obese, crippled and agoraphobic.

So I am in my “in-between” phase emotionally. Part of me wants to succeed and part of me wants to fail. Of course I’m rooting for the part that wants to succeed. But it’s difficult and I find that recently I have to really push myself to do the right things and talk to the right people and find the courage to face the newness of my body and my lifestyle.

I try to stay in gratitude as a way to anchor myself to the present moment and nurture optimism. It’s tough because some of the changes are so unbelievable to me when I reflect on them. I was crippled for over 5 years – in pain every day from the moment I got up to moment I went to bed – constant pain. Now it’s just disappeared and with each new day it does not return I am forced to wonder – where the hell did it go? Will it be back? Is this just a fluke? I have grave uncertainty and fear about this. I suddenly have freedom – what would I do if it got taken away from me again? I feel the same way about going-off my diabetes medications.

Well – there you have it – the dark side of positive change as seen by yours truly. I’ll continue to keep you posted on my progress.

Until next time …

Most of the trail is open meadows and very sunny. It parallels a closed road that is open for bicyclists and joggers. So I actually had the trail to myself the whole trip – maybe passing 5 people at most along the way. I carried my new Canon ELPH camera in my pocket – and boy! Does it take great pictures!

The weather today was incredibly perfect,  77 degrees with a lovely breeze.

I hiked about 2 miles to the Fioli Gardens and was almost going to turn around and head back – but something told me to go on – and WOW! Am I glad I did!

I found the Pulgas Water Temple and it was OPEN! Normally it is closed on weekends for weddings and private events.

So beautiful! A wonderful place to stop for a bit before heading back.

The inscription inside the temple reads:

“I give water in the wilderness and rivers in the desert, to give drink to my people.”

I lingered here for a bit and reflected on how much I have to be grateful for in my life.

You know – the fact that I’m actually hiking again after 5 years of being crippled still astonishes me to no end.

Yes – there are challenges to be faced going forward, I am deeply concerned over my cousin Mary’s health and her brain cyst. But taking this hike really got me back into a positive frame of mind – yes, shit happens – but it happens to everybody. What really counts is how we deal with it.

I hope this Sunday finds you enjoying your life as much as I’m enjoying mine.

Until next time …

A neurosurgeon will attempt to drain the cyst and I will know more in the coming days. I have offered to fly out there and be with her if she wishes. It will mean boarding the cats and begging for personal leave from my employer among other things – but I would do anything for Mary.

Last year it was my best friend Sarah’s oral cancer, before that it was Sam’s leukemia and Sarah’s Dad dying, now this. Shit happens. Why shit only seems to happen to the people closest to me – I don’t know.

The irony this morning is that some hiking stuff I ordered from Amazon got delivered. Among the stuff was a cap I bought from the “Life is Good” company in New England …

When I ordered this cap I genuinely felt that Life is Good. My life has been improving steadily recently with this new diet program I’m on – I’m ridding myself of diabetes, my crippling arthritis has disappeared, I’m getting out in the world more – even bought myself a GPS so I can have even more adventures. Sam’s health has been great – he’s in remission from leukemia, Sarah has returned to work, my work has been going good, even the weather has been stellar.

Then this shit with Mary happens.

When I got the call last night my biggest problem was an ill-fitting bra from my recent weight loss. THAT was my biggest problem.

Maybe I should have ordered a cap that says “Shit Happens” instead of “Life is Good”.

I struggle with pessimism and sarcasm when shit happens. Anger is my ‘go-to’ emotion when shit happens. My normal up-beat optimistic personality goes right into the toilet when shit happens. I’m struggling to maintain emotional equilibrium.

So there you have it. Things with me were going great – and then shit happened.

Until next time …

Steep, steep HILLS!! My legs are still sore!

But I DID IT!!!

Now on to the toys -

To help me find my new hiking spots in Northern California (because I get lost a lot) A totally cool GPS system for my truck! The Garmin Nuvi 50 LM – the “LM” stands for “Lifetime Maps” – FREE!

And … a digital camera small enough to fit in my jeans (or cargo shorts) pocket yet high quality enough to be a GREAT Camera on any hike – The Canon Power Shot ELPH 300 HS! 12.1 Mega Pixels!

YEAH BABY! And the BEST OF ALL … they were BOTH on sale at Best Buy! I got super cool technology and saved hundreds of bucks! WOOT!!

It’s Christmas in Redwood City tonight … oh and something else …

I’m in 34″ waist jeans.

No shit.

That’s 6 inches off my waist.

This Sunday I’m hiking the Crystal Springs Reservoir with my new camera in my pocket – I’ll have pics for you!

Until next time …

Total weight loss (15 pounds before program since January) 15 pounds while on program = 30 pounds.

Body Mass Index from 33.31 to 28

4.5 inches off my waist

Average Blood Glucose for past 30 days – 76

A1C test before program 6.6 – Calculated A1C based on average BG meter for 30 days (76) A1C= 4.3

(I’ll be getting my labs done on May 16th for the official A1C)

Completely taken-off the diabetes medication Glyburide by my Dr.

Taken-off 50 % of the diabetes medication Metformin.

Arthritis in knees – 100% GONE.

Cleaned-out the closets and took 6 garbage bags full of extra-large clothing down to the charity store and a 7th bag to the garbage.

It’s now time to celebrate and have some fun! And there is no outdoor activity that I love more than hiking (well maybe snorkeling coral reefs). It has been many years since the onset of crippling arthritis in my knees that I have hiked. But those days are OVER!

The San Francisco Peninsula, where I call home, has vast amounts of Open Space Preserves and Parks to wander in – so tomorrow I shall go exploring!

I’ve dusted-off my trekking pole, hiking shoes and my hiking hat, bought some new cargo shorts that fit me! WOOT! I’ll be venturing into the Pulgas Ridge Open Space Preserve which is just a few miles from my house. Over 300 acres of gentle hills, meadows and forests.

Here’s a picture from my last visit there – over 5 years ago -

Ahhh – the trail beckons!

Until next time …

Lost 25 pounds since January. 4 inches off my waste. (25 lbs more to go -That is where I expect my diabetes to disappear. I’m at the half-way point! )

Body Mass Index dropped from 33.31 to 28.9

Diabetes medications lowered: Glyburide by 80%, Metformin by 50%

Blood Glucose averaging 70-90 daily.

Arthritis GONE.

Once I realized that my erratic mood swings were due to “Scale Obsession” and a little plateau that lasted a few days, I’m now re-focused and back to my happy normal self.

Tonight I am feeling very grateful. Today at work I had a flash-back to just a few months ago when I was so crippled by the arthritis in my knees that I could not stand-up from a chair without using my arms to brace myself on something. Occasionally it would get so bad I’d have to walk with a cane.

Today I’m bouncing around like a spring chicken! No pain! None!

So let’s burn through week 6 so I can finally have a cup of real coffee and a Coke Zero!

Until next time …

I want this diet to be over now. I have 2 more weeks to go to get to Week 6.

If I have to use Unsweetened Soy Milk in my DeCaf one more time I will SCREAM.

If I have to drink one more Seltzer Water instead of a Coke Zero I will SCREAM.

Oh, fuck it  … I’m just going to SCREAM.

I’ve been living on 600 calories a day for 5 weeks now. I WILL finish this and take it to Week 6 – but so help me God, if someone eats a cupcake in front of me I will commit a homicide.

Until next time …

My pressures were NORMAL this morning when the Ophthalmologist examined me.

I DO NOT HAVE GLAUCOMA!

I do have to go back in 3 months for a re-check as I am now considered “suspect”.

But as of right now – this moment – I do NOT have Glaucoma! I am NOT going blind!

Until next time …

But I can’t and I won’t.

I’m a graphic artist – I live my life through my eyes – I engage the world through my eyes.

This is worse than cancer, it is worse than dying – far worse. I cannot live in a world I cannot see. To ask me to do so would be the ultimate torture.

I went through another battery of tests this afternoon and tomorrow morning I meet with the Ophthalmologist for the verdict.

I can’t do this and I can’t handle it.

Until next time …

Had my eye exam yesterday. There is a 99% chance I have glaucoma. I have to go through 3 more tests including a 3D x-ray scan of my optic nerves. The tests will also show if this is due to diabetic retinopathy. This has been my greatest fear – blindness. My eyes and my hands are the most important features of my physical body to me as they are what I use to be an artist.

But I’m not going to let my fear take me out. I have been progressing on this program for 4 weeks – I’ve lost 23 pounds since January and 4 inches off my waist, my blood glucose has been steady at 80-95 everyday and I am well on my way to reversing my diabetes for good. So – I’m not going to let this de-rail me. I’m going to keep going until I rid myself of this illness.

Although there is no cure for glaucoma, there are medications that can slow its progression.

So – I’ve hit a bump on my road to wellness. But I’m not quitting! And as much as I’d like to have a few beers around this – I’ll settle for seltzer water.

If nothing else this has made me even more committed to my quest to rid diabetes from my life through this program.

Some good news? You bet! My Body Mass Index has dropped from 33.31 to 29.2! YAY FOR ME!

Until next time …