There is a whole psychology to changing one’s life as I am finding out recently. Losing weight and losing arthritis – wearing smaller clothes, feeling so much better – having diabetes on the run. There’s been so much going-on that I haven’t emotionally caught-up with all of it. And it can feel a bit threatening on some levels – who am I if I’m not obese, crippled by arthritis and semi-agoraphobic?
Instead of sitting in front of a computer all day – I now go outside and play, I hike, explore and have adventures. I’ve been thinking about how nice it would be to go back to Maui and snorkel the coral reefs – it’s been 25 years since I’ve been there. Although currently impossible to do with my work situation and Sam and Oscar – still I think about it and it’s the first time I’ve entertained such thoughts in 25 years. These kind of thoughts are new and foreign to me. Just like buying the GPS for the truck – which I’ve played with but haven’t actually used yet – too scary.
It’s disconcerting to catch my reflection in a window or a mirror, I don’t immediately recognize myself and this causes a feeling of confusion and being ill-at-ease. I think this is the dark-side of positive change and I also think this is why many people do not sustain positive changes in their lives – it gets too uncomfortable. We want to go back to the “safe place” we know.
I’ve had two very close friends (thank you Sarah and Mary) tell me I am smart to look at this now rather than have it bite me in the ass and send me off to eat pizza and cupcakes. I think they are right. Because there is a part of me that wants to fail and return to the safety of being obese, crippled and agoraphobic.
So I am in my “in-between” phase emotionally. Part of me wants to succeed and part of me wants to fail. Of course I’m rooting for the part that wants to succeed. But it’s difficult and I find that recently I have to really push myself to do the right things and talk to the right people and find the courage to face the newness of my body and my lifestyle.
I try to stay in gratitude as a way to anchor myself to the present moment and nurture optimism. It’s tough because some of the changes are so unbelievable to me when I reflect on them. I was crippled for over 5 years – in pain every day from the moment I got up to moment I went to bed – constant pain. Now it’s just disappeared and with each new day it does not return I am forced to wonder – where the hell did it go? Will it be back? Is this just a fluke? I have grave uncertainty and fear about this. I suddenly have freedom – what would I do if it got taken away from me again? I feel the same way about going-off my diabetes medications.
Well – there you have it – the dark side of positive change as seen by yours truly. I’ll continue to keep you posted on my progress.
Until next time …
